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Name: heidi
Birthday: 7/22/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: listening, writing, reading, riding, seeking, hoping, loving, laughing
Expertise: getting lost
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
3/8/2003
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| there are a few things i miss
1. the people, obviously. though the ones around here that we spend any significant amount of time with seem pretty great, i keep pretending that the others are here. the ones that make us laugh until we cry, the ones that browse our bookshelves, the ones that lead us into new and difficult places, the ones that speak truth to us on a regular basis. not just the recent wacoans but the whole family tree. our tribe, you know. our relatives. our leaders, our healers, our music makers.
2. walking places. i think this will be rectified when my bike is finished. biking is not the same as walking. it is not. but it is much closer than driving. i am very excited to have a bike that i know so intimately, that i have invested so much time into. and i will ride it to places where i can walk.
but i am finding new life in 2year old finn learning my name, in a marriage that has two open and vibrant parts, in the ability to write consistently, in the smiles of baby luke and the feeling of him sleeping against my chest, and in the depth and profoundness of leo tolstoy.
"while imprisoned in the shed Pierre had learned, not with his intellect, but with his whole being, that man is created for happiness, that happiness lies within him, in the satisfaction of natural, human needs, and that all unhappiness arises not from privation but from excess; and now, during these last three weeks on the march, he had learned still another new and comforting truth--that thereis nothing in the world to be dreaded."
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| We're getting there...
House is good and weird. Just the way we likes it.
Housemates are great. Very laid back.
Yesterday was open house at my school (meet the parents, meet the kids, meet the co-workers), a brief visit to the Yellow Bike Project to sign up and look around (we met Tim's long lost Irish cousin...I'll try to snap a picture of him sometime for your viewing pleasure), and an adeline show at Mosaic chuch (...awkward?). Lots of potential friends...ie, my coworker's husband works for Alamo Drafthouse making shorts and such and John Perkins lives about a mile from us.
We are ordering bus passes because the Manchaca Flyer rules.
I gave myself bangs.
And today will be the three of us (tygrr, noah and me) starting our volunteer hours at the YBP. They (t&n) have already picked out bikes. I just couldn't do it on such short notice. They all looked so sad and lonely...
Plus maybe an ethan show down at emo's.
I think...yes.
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| he's back:
"it isn't wrong to expect perfection from those you love, just to
expect it immediatly."
---
impluse and response:
i'm sad that we hate ourselves. i'm sad that we gossip about people we
have laughed and cried with. i'm sad that we stop caring. i'm sad that
we forget each other. i'm sad that we hurt so easily. i'm sad that we
heal so slowly. i'm sad that we can't save the world. i'm sad that we
don't know the truth. i'm sad that some people think they do. i'm sad
that we don't understand. i'm sad that we need each other so much. i'm
sad that we don't need each other enough. i'm sad that we cannot be
honest. i'm sad that honesty hurts. i'm sad that we have secrets.
more than sad, i'm sorry. i'm sorry jesus. i'm sorry everyone.
so abides faith, hope, and love. i pray that we could have faith. i
wish we had hope. i know that we do not love enough.
i want to break down in sobs and i can't, thats the hardest part.
Now the glory of the God of Israel went up from above the cherubim,
where it had been, and moved to the threshold of the temple. Then the
Lord called to the man clothed in linen who had the writing kit at his
side and said to him, "Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a
mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the
detestable things that are done in it." As I listened, he said to the
others, "Follow him through the city and kill, without showing pity or
compassion. Slaughter old men, young men, women and children, but do
not touch anyone who has the mark. Begin in my sanctuary."
-Ezekiel 9:3-6
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of
God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people,
and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every
tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or
crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:3-4
and
I'm glad that we hurt to easily and heal so slowly, because it reminds
me of my frailty and weakness that God is so gentle with.
I'm glad that we can't save the world, because we might want credit
for it then, and we might stop looking for ways to improve.
I'm glad that we don't understand, because it makes me more curious.
I'm glad that we need eachother so much because otherwise we might
spend our entire lives alone. I'm glad that we don't need eachother
enough because it helps me to stand alone.
I also pray that we might have faith, and I know that we have hope,
and I look forward to the bursting in my chest that reminds me to love
more.
---
the future isnt, yet.
---
those friends that you choose, and earn, and desire to love and be
loved by are infinitely more dear to you, and infinitely better than
any relation that came as a matter of chance. time does not matter to
friendship. once earned, whether you have an acquaintance of two
months or eight years, once you have willingly cast your heart in with
another, and you have bound yourselves together through sheer
determination based on a mutual love and respect, once you give up
parts of yourself to each other and as your growing in tandem reveals
itself as growing into each other, finding less of your identity in
yourself, well...
---
in a rare moment of clarity i will, on occasion, come to the
realization that there are other beings around me who supposedly
contain the same consciousness i do, and i cannot help but be amazed
that there is enough room
---
"i would wear my heart on my sleeve, but there isnt enough room."
---
"to escape the error of salvation by works we have fallen
into the opposite error of salvation without obedience."
-a.w. tozer
---
who can help people:
#1 God. if he isn't on their side, there is no hope, so He is necessary
#2 the person. no person has more control in your life than you
a very distant #3. other people, i.e. us.
so why bother helping people? because we are told to, do we (like
little children) need another reason?
---
" "Great art thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is thy
power, and infinite is thy wisdom." And man desires to praise thee,
for he is a part of thy creation; he bears his mortality about with
him and carries the evidence of his sin and the proof that thou dost
resist the proud. Still he desires to praise thee, this man who is
only a small part of thy creation. Thou hast prompted him, that he
should delight to praise thee, for thou hast made us for thyself and
restless is our heart until it comes to rest in thee."
---
some things are best left without restriction. they are not free per
se but, to assign words to them blasphemes their true meaning.
---
"he decided that part of growing up is learning to appreciate uncertainty.
the uncertainty, the mystery that results in the struggle, the
subtleties, and the maneuvers.
he was begining to realize that by leaving a thing in the abstract; by
not confining it to language and idioms; by not forcinging it into a
one sided perception, but instead almost feeling his way through life,
was the adventure. but he must forget those words, for they did not
tell the half of it."
---
"do not now think, o you man, that this was ever about you. the great,
of necessity of character, do great things for the sake of the
wretched, but this does not mean that the universe now attends to the
cares of a fool."
---
"we love ourselves far too much to possibly ever love ourselves"
---
"he was very happy today that he remained unattached. there was no
particular reason, or instance, or even an anecdote from friends that
he could point to and say "yes here. that is why," but he had the joy
that the lord had made it so.
to be ministered to. to be shown by earthly means that there is
satisfaction. to once again be filled, and not to hunger for more than
the simplicity of the moment.
he knew that knowing cannot be rationally deduced, logically proved,
nor constructed from evidence. certainty comes, and it goes, and all
his logical constructs remained useless, they provided no rock, no
handhold to grasp in the deepest swell of the raging sea.
he knew, this is."
---
What sort of freak then is man! How novel, how monstrous, how chaotic,
how paradoxical, how prodigious! Judge of all things, feeble
earthworm, repository of turh, sink of doubt and error, glory and
refuse of the universe! -Pascal
---
our utter devotion to our studies, which are very interesting, make us
so uninteresting to others
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Been a while, eh?
Same old, same old.
Birthday (I am now my favorite number).
And Birthday Cake:
Noah's first ever. Stinking delicious.
Noah's defense: t-5 days and counting!
I'll have a husband again! Yay! | | |
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Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
- Wendell Berry's Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
makes me a little bit teary...and a lot bit trembly.
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